This is very hard.

I’ve wanted to go to this school for years, but now that I have a job offer, I don’t want to go. I want to stay where I am. I want to enjoy the job and house I have. I want to spend more time with my dad.

But I’ve prayed about this job for a full year and more and I am taking it in faith that this is what God wants for me. God, I need help with this. “One day at a time, sweet Jesus…”

I sold my stock. It’s been higher since then, of course. But I sold it so I could buy a house if I wanted. Also because I don’t really want all my money in one stock. I’ve got to quit watching the stock now, though. I might be really sorry if I don’t. Help me not to look back, Lord.

I don’t know what I should do and I am floundering.

I want to be excited, but I’m just not.

I’m kind of at a standstill. Emotionally this is taking a toll on me. I am starting to get depressed. While I’m taking medicine that shouldn’t let me do that. (Imagine if I weren’t.)

Different news today… My sister may be moving to Austin. If she is, and I’m moving, I don’t know what my dad is going to do. He really can’t live on his own. I wonder how he would feel about buying four houses in four different towns and living with all of us off and on at various times. I wonder if this means my dad is going to die. I hope not, for our sakes. For his, it would be a blessing. Dang, that feels harsh. But it is true.

I keep looking at houses hoping I find one that says, “Buy me today!” I did see one that said that. But I didn’t go purchase it and now I’m all, “It’s three miles from where I will work and it’s on a busy road and …”

There is another house that looked good, but when I was in town I drove by it and said, “Oh, gross. I don’t want to live there.” So apparently Google Maps made it look a lot better than it is or it really looked bad that day. It has hardwood floors and is big and cheap. But when I drove by I thought, no.

I should call Larry and see if he knows anyone who is thinking about putting their house on the market.

I want to be excited. I like house shopping, but this is just frustrating me and making me feel bad.

Maybe my parameters are too tight? Maybe I should branch out more? I don’t know.

God, please help.