I prayed, before the war ever started, that there would be no deaths from friendly fire. I asked God for that. I begged him for that. I understand the concept of free will, that God doesn't make us do stuff, but the average person doesn't want to kill the people on their side. I figured it wouldn't/shouldn't be too hard for God to deal with that.

He didn't. We had people killed in a helicopter accident. We had guys from a patriot missile thing hit a British plane.

Is there really a god? I've always believed in God. I've always believed in him as creator and runner of the universe. I don't always understand him or like what he does. But I've always figured there was a god.

When I wasn't quite as sure as other times, I'd talk to my husband. Not my kids. The kids know I sometimes gripe at God. I don't like periods. I don't like pain. Don't know why God does this or that. But they've also heard me tell God I liked the colors he put in the sunset. All the greens in the trees around here. The weedy flowers in my yard. They've heard me tell him thank you for them and for their dad. We pray together.

But today, you know, I just thought, Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there isn't really a God. Maybe I'm just like a teenage girl with a crush on a guy I don't really know at school. Maybe I've made up in my mind how he thinks, what he feels, where he likes to be. Maybe God is just a figment of my imagination.

I don't like that idea. I told him so. God and I often have talks. He rarely talks back. Sometimes, but rarely. I told him I didn't like the idea of him being a figment of my imaginationn. I wanted him to be there. To be real. But I sure didn't get how come he couldn't answer my prayer and keep those people safe. Enough people are going to die in this war. Do they have to die from accidents and mistakes that God could stop?