I am reading Passionate Marriage by David Shnarch right now. It is an interesting book.
I got up this morning intending to get on and write a denunciation of one of his statements. However, after re-reading, I think he may have just been overstating a point.
He says that sexual desire is a desire for your partner, not a desire for sex. He also says that most clinical folks teach it as a biological drive and that doing so short circuits intimacy.
Sexual desire is a biological drive. Saying it’s not is foolish.
However, sexual desire can also be the desire for your partner. Which does, in fact, make sex much more satisfying.
My sexual drive has gone down considerably, probably because of my health and my age. But my sexual desire for my husband, my desire to share with him a very personal experience, has not gone down.
He used to say I had a one track mind. I thought about sex all the time. (Every guy’s dream!) It was true that I thought about sex a lot, but a good part of that is because I enjoyed sex with R. Not just because I enjoyed sex.
So, sexual drive is a biological fact. But simple biology does not make for good sex. A commitment from both partners, however, does.