Currently how connected do you feel to your dreams? Does your day-to-day life reflect an active pursuit of your dreams? What prevents you from such a pursuit?

What are dreams? Langston Hughes wrote, “Hold fast to dreams for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.” That’s my first thought when I think of dreams.

What are my dreams? That’s a hard question. I could say it has gotten easier since yesterday, but it is still a hard dream.

I want to teach. I have wanted to teach since I was a little girl. Some of my teaching experiences would have been enough to scare a smarter woman from the field. But I still want to teach.

And yesterday, after reviewing 4YS’s website, I want to teach there. I love medieval/Old English literature. It is really the only literature I adore in general. (I do like Lewis Carroll and Jonathan Swift, but.. not whole genres that take them into account.)

I want, when I teach, to teach less than five classes a semester. I would really like to teach three. And I would like to teach literature on a regular basis, which means teaching somewhere there is a four year degree. And on top of those things I would like to teach somewhere I can do topics classes and just teach whatever my little heart desires. I hadn’t articulated this till yesterday.

Up until now and maybe now still I have not been pursuing my dreams, at least not the one I’m talking about here. I’ve been homeschooling. I’ve felt that is what God wants me to do. I think he has blessed me and the boys through that/this time.

How do you distinguish between your own selfish dreams and the God-given dream planted in your life? How has God revealed and reinforced His dream in your life?

Selfish dreams… Not sure. Was teaching a selfish dream? I wasn’t gifted with it to start with. I had to really work at it.

How has God revealed and reinforced His dream in your life? hmm. By having the job at 4YS available, even if I don’t get it, just so I could imagine a job I would be dancing around to get.

Pull out your “dream box”. What’s in there? Write out a description of one dream you have that you believe is from God. How has it “floated to the top” in your life?

Working full-time at a four year school. Teaching both literature and composition. Writing papers and doing presentations.

By having it show up. Same answer as above.

Make a list of the items, gifts, resources, and opportunities you are responsible for stewarding. Tell how they came into your life and how much control of them you have.

My brain. God gave it to me. I don’t have a lot, though I could help keep it well by working out and eating correctly.

My education. Part of that is a result of the government providing K-12 education. Part of it is because my family emphasized education. Part of that is because my parents supported me in college. Part of it is because I wanted to go to graduate school. Part of it is because my husband and sons supported me while I finished up the last of my dissertation work.

How much control do I have over it? A lot since it is finished.

My health. I was mostly born with it. I’ve done some good, getting a hysterectomy and thyroid medicine, and some not good, being overweight and eating nightshades. I have some control over it. I got the hysterectomy and quit having 100 day periods. I got thyroid medicine. Both of those last were only possible because of medical advances.

How much control do I have over it? Some. I can get and take the thyroid medicine. It is very expensive and is not covered by my insurance, but I can get it. I can limit my intake of nightshades. I can eat right. I can exercise. Not all though, because some things may get worse without my intention or even without my knowledge.

My family. Obviously I was born with part of my family. I am not responsible at all for being a part of them, though I am responsible for continuing to keep in touch with them, as Pastor Kerry keeps reminding everyone.

I am partly responsible for my family now. I saw R, laughed with him, asked him to a birthday party, and talked to him for hours. I wrote him. I went to see him. But he tried to make me paranoid, called me on the phone, and wrote me. He dated me cross-states. So, with God, we’re probably equally responsible for that. In my opinion, it was one of my better choices.

I am also partly responsible for the boys. Obviously I couldn’t have them by myself. And both of us wanted them. I homeschooled them. We took them to church. We moved them around.

In addition, I am also partly responsible for not having more than the boys. My life was endangered both times I was pregnant, so I got my tubes tied. But we could have adopted at least twice more. In fact, the adoption agency called us twice and offered to wave the fees. Both times I was pregnant and after that they quit calling. But we could have called them back. We could have adopted two more children. But I don’t think I could have taken care of two more children. Hopefully those babies got families who could take care of them.

How much control do I have over my family? None. I couldn’t stop my mother from going crazy. I couldn’t stop my father from having a stroke. I couldn’t stop my son from becoming an atheist. I couldn’t stop my sister from marrying a non-Christian. I couldn’t stop my other sister from marrying someone she had just met. I couldn’t stop my brother from being an atheist. I have absolutely zero control over my family. All I can do is love them and pray for them.

My three part-time jobs. Obviously my brain and my education were a necessity for these. And I had to attempt to get the jobs. Someone else had to decide to give them to me. I had to work at them in order to keep them.

How much control do I have over them? Ultimately, of course, none. But generally I could continue doing all three of these jobs as long as I work at them and apply for them.

My house. R worked to make the money to purchase it. We paid quite a bit for it. My dad paid it off. So we have no mortgage payments right now.

How much control do I have over it? Some. I pay the insurance and the taxes on it. I live in it. But not a lot. A fire could destroy it, so could a gas leak. R could decide we need to move. The government could become communist and take it away from me to give to someone else. (Okay, that is not likely, but it is happening in Venezuela right now.)

The stuff in my house. Most of the furniture was given to my by my parents. Some was given to me by my sister. In the whole house, we bought bookshelves, a table and chairs, a coffee table, nightstands, and two dressers. That’s it. The six couches were all given to us. The three queen beds were all given to us. The other coffee table was given to us. Two of the dressers were given to us. Two armoires were given to us. A desk was given to us. … Hm. We bought a desk, too. I forgot. Okay, so we have bought some furniture for our house. And looking at that list, it seems that we have way too much furniture.

How much control do I have over it? Someone could come in and steal it. Someone could break it. Someone could set it on fire. Someone could break the stuff too. So I can keep it clean, but I can’t keep it safe.

What’s the biggest physical challenge you face? What one step can you take today toward improving your physical health?

My biggest physical challenge is my health. Actually, that has long been a major challenge. I have lots of things wrong with me, though nothing clearly visible, like being in a wheelchair.

Thankfully I have been able to get help for some of my problems.

I had a hysterectomy and I no longer bleed twenty days a month (or more).

I take thyroid pills and I don’t have to celebrate the fact that I got up and cleaned a closet. (I still might not clean the closets, but it is no longer because I am physically unable to do that.)

I have sleep apnea. The CPAP machine helped me a little, but not a lot. I changed some of my sleeping patterns and I take melatonin. I dream again, which is good. I know I am not getting enough good sleep when I wake up in the morning and I haven’t dreamed anything.

I have nightshade allergies and although I give them up every once in a while for stretches at a time, and I no longer eat them for every meal in a day, I have not committed to giving them up long term except for special occasions.

I have other minor allergies that I have always had (caseine, chocolate, and cedar) and some new ones (latex), but these don’t give me too much trouble here. I don’t usually eat too much of the first two and thankfully the second is not a typical tree here in Houston.

Unfortunately, I didn’t inherit my dad’s body type, which is long and thin. I got my mom’s, which is curvaceous with a tendency to rotundity. And I haven’t worked on it and kept working on it. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. I had been working on it really well and then my mother went crazy and I gave it up out of stress, which is silly. Giving it up just gave me something else to stress over.

For as sick as my body is, I am doing great. I would be doing even better, though, if I recommitted to being healthy by giving up nightshades, exercising, and eating right.

One step: I can think of lots, but I don’t want to say I’ll do something and not do it. What could I do?
I could give up nightshades.
I could exercise once a day.
I could limit my eating.

There, those are things I could do. Will I commit to one? No, I don’t think so.

How do you usually handle powerful emotions?

Irritation I give in to. I snap at people.

Anger, I usually don’t say much about. I try not to yell and scream and holler. (Remember that besetting sin I blogged about earlier?) I am trying to abjure anger.

Romance… I usually don’t deal with that much either. My husband doesn’t express his love like I do and sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmingly loving I just sit down till it goes away because I don’t want to irritate him.

I learned to eat to stuff down my emotions. I don’t really want to do that. I want to feel them and use them or let them go.

How would you rate your health in each of these four areas – spiritual, physical, emotional, relational – from one (terrible) to ten (fantastic)?

Spiritual – 8
Physical – 5
Emotional – 8
Relational – 8

A friend’s mother fell and broke her hip almost two weeks ago. They had intended to have surgery right away, but she had an infection. So they put it off while they tried to figure out what to do to make the infection go away.

Today Anne told me that she was going to leave to go to her mother’s tomorrow and that she was concerned that her mother was not a believer, even though she has been a devout Catholic all her life. Why would she think that? It is because her mother told her that she thought “You die and that’s it. There is nothing beyond it.” I had brought One Month to Live to school to read. I offered it to Anne. She took it gladly.

Her mother died this morning, before Anne could even get to New Jersey.

Anne’s mother was in great health two weeks ago. Now she is dead. She didn’t even have one month to live.