I miss Christmas…. And joy over why I don’t need Christmas.

Was Christmas ever really fun and joyful?

Sometimes I feel like it is just another responsibility. Who do I need to get presents for? Who do I need to help with what?

My kiddos never believed in Santa so it isn’t the magic of make-believe that I miss. That’s not it.

I miss all the excitement of the tree lit in the corner and crawling near the lights to read the boys a story (though I must confess that I enjoyed it more than they did). I miss wrapping presents early and putting them out with admonitions of, “No peeking!”

I miss presents that aren’t money. I miss presents someone actually wanted.

I guess that’s what I really miss. I miss being able to go out and find something special and give it to someone I love.

Now that we aren’t broke (though really always since my husband has a very different philosophy on purchasing than I do), there’s nothing to get anyone. He said he doesn’t want a present. He just buys what he wants so there is nothing I can get him that he wants. The boys…. They want money to pay for their car insurance or their phones. They don’t want games anymore or even tickets to a play. Maybe if they were dating something like that would be fun, because they would have somewhere to take a date. But they aren’t dating.

And really, there is not much in the way of gifts that I want that I don’t just buy myself either. I have a few books on a wish list, but those will probably get bought by me, since family doesn’t like to get me books.

There are some things I would really like for Christmas, but… they’re weird.

I’d really like to have the family go do something fun and interesting together. Dickens on the Strand? A Christmas Carol? The Nutcracker? Something that would be Christmas-y. Without anyone complaining.

I’d like to go antiquing with someone who liked to go antiquing. Maybe I could call Sylvia and see if she wanted to go over the holidays? The one down at 10 is open every day and I don’t have to work on Thursday. Or maybe after Jan. 1 when my papers are done.

I’d like to have a feeling of specialness about the holidays. That’s all me, I know. Not sure how to get that back.

I’d like my eldest son to have a friend with whom he could do things. And with whom he liked to do things.

…Wow. Getting a negative attitude there.

Maybe I should look at it another way.

I don’t need Christmas as a holiday, because we already can eat wherever we want. (There was a family in Hawaii when Debbie lived there that saved all year to go out to McDonald’s on Christmas Eve. I don’t have to save to go out anywhere.)

I don’t need Christmas as a holiday, because we can already eat whatever we want. (Turkey isn’t a once-a-year feast anymore. I don’t have to have macaroni all year, with fried baloney on it for Christmas, like when I was little.)

I don’t need Christmas as a holiday, because I can buy the clothes I need or want as I find them, without having to stash them away as a gift because we can’t afford both. (I remember those days, though my family did make it fun to get clothes by having a treasure hunt through the house for them.)

I don’t need Christmas as a holiday, because I can take time every day to remember what God has done for me. He’s given his life for me and cared for my family for millenium. He gave me my husband and my sons. He gave me true friends in multiple states who love me. He gave me sisters I have gotten closer to over the years.

I don’t need Christmas, but I still miss it, just a little.